Some thoughts...

Hello once again, faithful readers (all two of you). I recently lost a major supplier of readership when my buddy, Dean, decided to shut down his website that had my link on it. If you are here now, you obviously are a huge fan and followed me anyway...or you are merely related to me and feel that you are obligated to stop in occassionally to avoid the awkward situation when I ask you, "Have you been to my blog lately?". I have a sinking feeling that you are more the latter than the former.
.........I was thinking the other day...Do you think mommy and daddy earthworms fret over the day when they have to explain to their offspring the "birds and the bees"? "Well Little Billy, you are asexual. A hermaphrodite. See, you gotta do this here...and then this to yourself....". I guess when you tell an earthworm to go F*** himself, it's probably an odd situation.
......... Are you like me...are you sometimes thrilled by the misfortune of certain others? For example, think of two of the biggest jerks in sports: Barry Bonds and Kellen Winslow. Bonds, who undoubtedly is on steroids, is injured and will be for some time. This makes it hard for him to beat Babe Ruth and Hank Aaron for most homers ever. All I'm saying is this, Babe played in monstrous ballparks, was an out-of-shape sloth with absolutely no off-season training and he was able to hit taters practically anytime he wanted to while downing a steady diet of brats, beer, and cigars. Bonds says, "I didn't know what that substance I was injesting was". Sure, Barry. This, coming from a guy who has thirty personal trainers, built like a wrecking ball, and monitors calories/carbs/etc...and he didn't know that those injections he was getting was steroids! Bonds is a jerk. Winslow, on the other hand has two things going for (or against) him. Primarily, he is a Cleveland Brown which ranks him in the Pyramid of Life just below perineal shmegma and a kick in the crotch (if they were actual living organisms). Secondly, he injured his knee riding his new motorcycle. Apparently, he purchased the bike shortly after watching some stunt bike show. Somewhere, Evel Knievel weeps.
.........Lots of good music out there, you just have to look for it. Lord knows you won't find it on "normal" mainstream radio. You could listen to NPR which occassionally has some good tunes. But, in the meantime you will have to listen to their incessant ramblings about how evil anyone is that isn't either a A) Hippie B) College teacher C)Homeless D)Social Worker E)Yellow Springs inhabitant F) Hollywood Actor-type or G) Bleeding heart liberal. Also, for every great new artist that you haven't heard and liked, you suffer through songs like "Bongo Beat 16" by The Republic of Chad Symphony or "Zither Melodies" by some goofball that recorded it in the back of his van, located down by the river. Nevertheless, I can't listen to most radio anymore because if I hear the following songs one more time, I'm gonna jam pencils into my coccyx: Layla, Pride and Joy, Old Time Rock'n'Roll, Schools out for Summer, Rock n Roll all night (party every day). These songs make me cringe. Don't get me wrong, I love Clapton, Stevie Ray, Seger, etc... What bothers me is that these artists have an entire catalog of great music, yet we are relegated to years and years of the same crap.
But I digress, I'd like to thank my no-good-brother-in-law for turning me onto a band called Dispatch (among others). I'd say they are a little bit of funk/reggae/folk. However, they are neither a little bit country, nor a little bit rock n' roll like our friends the Osmonds.
I have a hierarchy of bands that includes masters of the likes of the Beatles, Zeppelin, etc... But I have to say my favorite band of all time is G. Love and the Special Sauce. If I was ever a groupie, this would be for whom I'd "group" for. I've seen them about 4 times now and would see them again if they pass this way. As I've said before, just three guys pumping out some big sound. The drummer plays some jazz-type funky beats, while the bass player plays the ginormous stand up bass and looks like he just clocked out of his shift at the JiffyLube. G. Love plays the harmonica and guitar. I can't classify them other than to say they mix to perfection Blues, Funk, Rock, Folk, Rap and Jazz (and I truly think most Jazz is terrible..a bunch of guys just banging around playing scales and people think they are brilliant). The greatest concert I've ever seen would have to be last october in cincinnati. Standing there I was in between goosebumps and footstomping. I literally gritted my teeth because it was just so so so good. I know I'm not explaining it right, but there's nothing better than hearing that perfect song or sound and just letting it "move ya'". They are awesome. Speaking of good music/shows, I recently just bought another DVD of a Norah Jones concert. This one is good but not as good as an earlier one from the House of Blues. I don't care if you like her music or not, you will love to see her play. In a word, I'd call her "effortless". She's so smooth, innocent, and sounds fantastic. Considering all of those factors, this makes her very attractive. She obviously didn't write Tennessee Waltz but I would put money on it that her and her band perform it better than it has ever been done before. Again, goosebumps. Also, Jack Johnson has a new album out and it is very good. Oh, and check out a dude called Amos Lee. Very good. People call him the female Norah Jones which is a compliment, I feel...but we all hate labels, now don't we...you bunch of jerks! (kidding) Family members, I would love to share it with you some time. Please let me know.
.......The day of the birth of our third child is closing in. I'm very excited about this. We don't know what it will be. It seems like everyone finds out the sex. That's fine, that is their choice...but I feel it's one of the last great surprises in life. I can't help but to think of that moment when it is born. When our children were born, the doctor told me "Daddy, you tell your wife if it's a boy or a girl" I think they did this because they wanted to give me the false feeling that I played an important part in the process (other than the very beginning...and we are waiting on the lab results to confirm this). With our second kid, I expected it to be a boy. When that moment came to proclaim to the world if a boy or girl had been born unto this world...I stopped and stuttered. Where's the "thing", I wondered to myself? I had to take a second look, as the room collectively held its breath. "It's...it's...It's a girl??...Yeah, it's a GIRL!" Great day.
........Why must the name Larry Bird be such a bad name to name a boy? Even I admit it would be hard to snuggle up to lil' Larry. Oh well...the search for names continues. I'm leaning toward "Benito", "Sammy the Bull", "Keith", "Vladamir", "Lamaaaaar", or "Wilhelm (pronounced Vilhelm).
For Girls, the frontrunner is "Lequisha Chantelle", "Desiree" (put your hands together for Desiree!), "Hillary", "Penelope", "Maria Rodriquez DiRossario". I don't know...they are all so good.
............One of my favorite shows right now is Curb Your Enthusiasm. Admittedly, I got into the show late, but I really like it. Larry David (creator of Seinfeld) is absolutely great. There are so many memorable shows. If you don't watch it and see where the show Seinfeld got its greatest contribution, then you're blind. Not to liken myself to the genius and creativity of Larry David, but my wife, during every episode, always says "You are Larry". For instance, he hates the "stop and chat" and goes to all lengths to avoid having to stop and talk to someone you run into. I do that. You just have to see and maybe you would see the similarities. Quirky, one would say.
...........It appears that my wife is in line to win, nay, earn another trip for her outstanding work. This time it is to London, Eng-a-lund. I will vow to each and every one of you that I will say the following phrase at least 5 times a day while across the pond: "Hello, Gov'nuh". I plan on walking across the crosswalk at Abbey Road (with my shoes off) while uttering "I buried Paul" (or "crannnnberry sauce"). Someone called me "limey" for going. If by limey they mean the crisp refreshing taste of lemon-lime, then limey I shall be! Actually, my main objective while over there will be to bring forth and teach the wonderment that is Oral Hygiene. I'll be standing on the back of a flatbed truck tossing out floss, toothbrushes, and paste to the clammoring masses looking much like Oprah throwing out shoes and books to needy villagers of some lost tribe somewhere.
......... I plan on going to see the new Star Wars movie. I didn't see the last one, mostly because the one before it sucked ass. Now, the first three? Top-notch. But I'd like to experience it on the big screen and bid it farewell. My wife told me something to the effect of "yeah, have fun with your light saber you nerd". Then I gave her a kidney punch and whipped her into the figure-four leg lock. Feel the burn, sucka!
..........Movies: Saw Friday Night Lights recently. On the J-Bird Rating scale (1-10...and if I have to explain that 10 is the highest, then you are an idiot), I give it a 5.5. Not a bad movie. Just "okay". One scene that I really liked was when they were walking down the tunnel to the field before the championship game. If you didn't get a chill, then call the morgue deadman.
I viewed Napoleon Dynamite again. Still funny. I give it a 7.6 on the J-Bird Movie Rating scale. I can't even begin to explain it, other than it has a quality that I appreciate in a movie...stupidness for the sake of laughter. Simple, yet not done enough to suit me.
Saw "Ray". Technically, a wonderful movie. Well done, incredible music, and sensational acting. Having said that, I like to view my world through rose colored glasses. I like to picture Ray Charles as a sweet ol' guy who pumped out some of the greatest music EVER. I feel the movie focused 9/10 of its contents on his drugs/womanizing. Still, good movie. I give it a 7.9
..............Television: I still think the hottest chick on t.v. is Jamie Gertz from Still Standing. She's this decades "Elaine" from Seinfeld to me. I flipped through and saw Pam Anderson on some show. Say what you will, but that girl (fake or not) is built like a brick shit house with metal swingin' doors. One word, folks "POW!" If you see a girl and say "POW", it's a good thing. "Whap" or "Wham" doesn't get it done. But "POW" sorta just says "Good lord, yeoowcch!" I want to bite my palm like Lenny and Squiggy or, like that old cartoon dog, stamp my feet, whistle, and howl. It reminds me of a time I was with Rosey (and our wives) at a bar and some woman walked by that was just amazing. Even the girls would admit that she was "put together". Rosey, never willing to hold back his emotion, just stomps his foot on the ground, throws his shoulder back and says forcefully "Geeezuuuuss Chhhriiisssst!!!!" And you know what, nobody questioned it or felt it was out of place. I kinda' admire that.
If you can, try to catch Cheap Seats. It's on espn classic. It's much like Mystery Science theater but to the setting of cheesy sports shows. Follow this link, you can get a little glimpse by clicking in the upper right-hand corner to see a short video of the show. http://www.cheapseats.tv/#
Could there possibly be more wasted channels on cable? If I see that old nun with the eye patch again, I'm gonna jab fondue forks into my own eye. There should be federal legislation banning home improvement shows on the Learning Channel or Discovery. Stick to bugs, animals, ancient pyramids. Forget the redecorating and home-how-to's. Leave that to Lifetime (following a very special episode of "You're Not My Mommy" starring Meredith Baxter-Birney)
Allright, my kids are home. My 30 minutes of solitude has passed. Enter, stage left, the rambling loudness of my wonderful daughters.