London

Hello again everyone. We recently returned home from our trip to London. Had a great time. What a neat city, with nice people and incredible scenery. I'm not much of a "city" person, but it was different there. It was like we were in a totally different country or something...oh yeah, we were. What's most notable is the age of things over there. Just a random statue in a park can be dated at, say, 1750. And that is relatively new! Heck, this was before America was America.
Our first day there, we walked around and tried to familiarize ourselves with the place. I mainly was looking for British chicks to talk to because, honestly, any girl with an accent is pretty cool. Southern, English, Australian, whatever...I think it's neat. That evening we went to the Natural History Museum for our Welcome Night. The entire place was just ours as ADP (the company that sent my wife and me there) rented the whole thing out. We could walk through any of the displays while grabbing anything we wanted to eat or drink. I opted for the plates of cold beer and the smoked salmon (i consumed large quantities of each...hey, they're free) This grand, royal looking band marched down the large stairways to the floor we were on and played music...but what really intrigued me is the amount of sweat that must have accumulated in every nook and cranny underneath those heavy, ornate costumes.
The next day we took a tour of the city aboard a large motorcoach that was reserved just for us. It was very interesting as we often parked and wandered around some great landmarks such as St Paul's Cathedral (where Di and Charles got married), Kensington Palace (where that Di chick lived), and The Royal Albert Hall (Now we know how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall...a line from A Day in the Life by the Beatles). One of my favorite parts of the entire trip was our tour of Westminster Abbey. We weren't allowed to take pictures inside, but it was really amazing. There are hundreds of people buried in the floors of this place, mostly folks of great importance to Britain..and the very wealthy, as well as Kings/Queens and a memorial to FDR "“A faithful friend of freedom and of Britain…”. You'd walk along these corridors upon carvings of those beneath you from the year, say, 1580 or something. Incredible. We were told of a large bomb that fell directly through the large dome in the middle of the church. Dropped by the Germans during the Blitz, it ended in the lower regions of the place...but never exploded. It was removed and detonated in a field where it created a massive hole. Talk about Divine Intervention I guess.
We wanted to see a "show" in the famous and historic theater district. One night we saw The Lion King at the Lyceum Theater (originating in 1765). Another night, we went to Her Majesty's Theatre (opened in 1705) to see Phantom of the Opera...which I have now seen 5 times. Me likey. We often listen to the soundtrack at home...does this make me queer? Afterwards we went to an outside cafe near Piccadilly Circus and sat and enjoyed a few cold lagers, then walked home through Trafalgar Square on our way back to our hotel..which was the London Hilton, near Hyde Park and Mayfair. Also saw Big Ben and Parliament...where it is required that I must say each time, "Look kids! Big Ben, Parliament...I can't get left!!!" from European Vacation. Classic. Took a ride on the Eye of London, **pictured** which
is a massive ferris wheel that takes you on a great view of the city. It never stops moving and takes about 30 minutes to make a revolution. Each car holds about 25 people and is very clean and nice. Visited Buckingham Palace where they have the Changing of the Guard every other day. The day we were there to witness it, it was raining...so they cancelled. Wankers!
On Saturday, we took a train to Paris, France. The train reached speeds of 185 mph and we went under the English Channel through the "Chunnel". We were underground for about 20 minutes. What a smooth ride. Never been on a real train before and I liked it. You could stand, sleep, stretch out, walk around. Much better than flying.
We took a tour of Paris and, like London, saw many buildings marked from bullets and bombings. Amazing to think about what those countries went through during that time...and how America came in and kicked some ass. We went to the Louvre and were stunned at the absolute size of the place (said to be bigger than the Vatican). Saw the Mona Lisa. Very cool. Of course, being a Davinci Code fan, it was a real thrill to actually picture some of the book while walking through it. It would probably take a week just to get through the entire place.
Later that day, we felt obligated to find a sidewalk cafe and eat. The menu said they had some le poopie au de flambee avec goobledeegookie blah blah blah. It's like those people have a different word for everything over there. We managed to point and muddle through some words and ordered something halfway edible. Since we were there, again we felt obligated to have some wine and dessert. Not bad.
All in all, Paris was o.k. It's kinda' like Hoover Dam. Amazing, spectacular, historical, and awe-inspiring...but once you've seen it, you don't really feel the need to travel that distance to see it again. Plus, French people are smelly, pompous assclowns. *Foreigners really do smell bad...not the Brits, though*
On the last night, we went to the going away party held by ADP called Club ADP. It was in a neat place that looked like a cross between a castle/hotel conference room/and MTV set. They put on a great party. Of course, there were trays upon trays of cold beer. This time, it was good ol' Budweiser and once again, it was free. Which reminds me of a great quote by my wife one time when we were at an open bar at a ballgame. She said to me, "Just because it's free doesn't mean you have to drink it all". So wise, yet it's hard to pass by when, for example, you have to pay $5 bucks for a beer down with the Joe Punchclocks of the world. You feel like you're just trying to break even. It's just good financial sense, I say. Anyway, at the party they had a guy who looked like Austin Powers and sounded just like him too. That just makes me laugh thinking about it. He introduced a band that was pretty darned good and they played a lot of British rock stuff (Stones, Who, etc...). Very cool. Unfortunately, we went to bed our last night at 2:30, then had to have our luggage ready for pickup at 4 am, then leave for the airport at 6 am. Kinda' rough.
I have to say that we've now been to Hawaii, British Columbia, and London as well as short trips to Vegas, Miami Beach, and Chicago...all on ADP's dime. And these people take incredibly good care of you and shower you with gifts. You don't touch your luggage, transportation awaits you to and from everywhere (when we arrived at London, a dude with a silly hat and a sign with our names awaited us to whisk us to the hotel in a little Mercedes van). Money is given to you for the week, tips are already taken care of, the travel department's staff is extremely professional and very very nice. It's super sweet. I thank my wife for busting her ass at her job to earn these rewards so a sluggish turd like me can live the high life for a few days. Thanks dear, now get your butt out there and sell some crap! Trays of free beer await me!

Just more stuff...

Well, I've been trying to think of some important topic or funny story to share with you all. And you know what?...I'm drawing a blank. First, I would like to thank all of you who have been reading my site regularly. In fact, it is exciting to me to know that others are checking me out. It's also a little scary. But the good thing is that it makes me more motivated to sit and turn out this mindless drivel.

Funny words: Once in a while I get a word or phrase stuck in my head and can't get them out. Here are a few recent ones: stipend, congruity, pivot table, kevin federline, montage, jumpin' jehosaphat, and Gadzooks!!! (three exclamation points are required by law to follow that word)
Funny saying I heard: He's happier than a monkey in Bananaland.

We have a floor fan going in our un-air conditioned house. It is required that I must walk up to any fan and say into it "Luke. I am your father" ala Darth Vader. So I do that. A minute or two later, my daughter Sophia walks up to the same fan and says, "Luke. I am your brother. Duhhh!" and quietly walks away.

I could tell you that the other day, I was on my way home from work. It's early afternoon and it's about 95 degrees out. I look to my right and see a guy in a freakin' pith helmet mowing his grass. You may recall, if you are a loyal reader of this site (all two of you), that I am mesmerized by the whole pith helmet thing. I wrote about it earlier when speaking of the US Postal Service and their use of them (and I will again note that I hate the postal service...use email, phones, faxes, telegraph, maritime flags. Anything to bury the postal service and their civil servant-laden ranks of slack jawed..well, slackers. If postal employees had shovels to lean on, instantly city, county, and state road crews would no longer be the butt of laziness jokes).
Anyhow, this guy is in his ditch with his pith helmet on his head. But to top off the entire ensemble, he was wearing khaki shorts and a khaki shirt. I totally expected to see a lion jump out of the weeds or perhaps a Range Rover full of sightseers come into view. For a minute I thought I was at Animal Kingdom and this was one of the groundskeepers.
But it all comes back to this simple question: Who wakes up in the morning and says, "You know what? I think I'm going with the khaki on khaki today...and....Yes! The ol' helmet"
****See stock photo of man in pith helmet...what a goober!

Watched a good movie the other day called Garden State. It was a friday night and it was rather late for me...about midnight. I was flipping through the channels looking for anything good. So I stop on this one channel where a guy is sitting in a doctor's office filling out paperwork and this blind lady's dog quietly slips away from her. The dog instantly walks up to the guy filling out papers and starts humping his leg. I don't care who you are or where you are from...that is always funny. Perhaps the only time it isn't funny is if you are the "humpee". Which reminds me of a great line from a "Vacation" movie. Cousin Eddie's dog starts humping Chevy Chase's leg when Eddie says "Aw Clark. He's got a little Mississippi Leg Hound in him. Just best to let him finish". Classic line.
I watch a little bit more of it because it has the guy from Scrubs in it (Zach Braff..who also directed it) and I like him. But quickly I noticed the movie wasn't a comedy after all. It was part romantic, part drama, part comedy. In other words, it was a ChickFlick.
Naturally, you would think that I quickly turned the channel. But it must have been the soft, intoxicating glow of my warm television flickering on my tired eyes because I couldn't turn it. In fact, quite morbidly, I was waiting for it to start sucking. But that moment never came.
These are the types of movies that win awards and I typically avoid. I've learned that the more nominations a movie receives, the more reason I don't want to see it. See, me and The Academy don't really agree on what makes a movie enjoyable. In fact, it's not about "enjoyement" with them. It's about "art" and "their craft". Here's how you get your movie nominated for an award: A) Be very disturbing B) Make the viewer uneasy C) Be very serious D) Get a beautiful actress and make her ugly. You will then be nominated.
My criteria? Easy. A) Make me laugh B) Give me an hour and half to two hours of enjoyment C) Gratuitous nudity.
Really though, it is a great movie. I didn't know who the heck Natalie Portman was but in this movie she was (and I have probably used this word twice before in my life) "adorable".

That's all I have. If anyone has some feedback or ideas, please let me, or my publisher (hardy har har) know.