What now

Hello once again to all. The holiday season is now officially over to which I say, "thank goodness". It's been quite a while since my last posting, and there is one significant reason for that. The other night I had nearly completed penning a literary gem. A piece that would go down in the annals of creative writing...when suddenly, the screen changed as my connection was lost. Lost with it was approximately 4 pages of wonderful insight that has never before been seen on this sight and will surely never be seen here again. After being mad for a while, I finally decided to sit back down and try to write something. Here is my poor attempt at doing so.
************************
Ohio State 34, Notre Dame 20.
It really wasn't even that close. The Buckeyes played as well as I've seen them play this season. They looked really sharp.
Now I don't know if you all know this or not but I'm gonna let you in on a little "side story" to the game. I'm sure you haven't heard it but...Buckeye linebacker (and best player in the nation) A.J. Hawk is dating Irish quarterback Brady Quinn's sister. Yep! You heard it here first!
Actually, it is true but I'm kidding about my gossip being groundbreaking. If you weren't aware by the end of that game that those two were dating you have a real problem with listening and comprehension. In all honesty, it was an interesting side note to the game. After all, how often does something like that happen? But I just think their coverage went a little overboard although they could have thrown in a few more shots of Hawk's lady/Quinn's sister because she was sorta easy on the eyes. Sorta like the Jerome Bettis is from Detroit and the Super Bowl is in Detroit. I believe if I read/hear about this one more time I'm gonna shit black and yellow and hate the Steelers even more than I do now (is that possible? not the pooping thing, I know that can be done...the hating the Steelers more part?)
Anyway, it was getting near kickoff time and I was settling into the couch and without words flapping my arms up and down, like a quarterback hushing a boisterous crowd, trying to quiet the rambunctious gathering in my own house (which included the wife, and three daughters). Then....I realize as his face flashes on the screen that Brent Musburger is calling the game. My heart sank. Brent's not the worst announcer in the world but he just annoys me a little (on the other hand the team of Brad Nessler and Bob Griese who did the Sugar Bowl are, in my opinion, very good). I knew I was in for a few hours of Brent/Whoever-is-playing-well-Lovefest.
He just throws around way too many accolades for me and the grand-daddy of them all was toward the end of the game when he said that "Troy Smith has just become a Heisman candidate for next year". My jaw dropped. Apparently Brent did not see too many OSU games earlier this season. Although as bad as Troy Smith is, I'd still take him over Big Ben Rothlicksburgers. I will say this, Brent always made me laugh when he continually refered to former OSU linebacker Matt Wilhelm as "The Kaiser". After which we would always yell in german-speak "Der Kaisaaaaaa" and I always liked to yell "Ich bin ein Berliner" and everybody would give me a stupid look...except for Jake. He always laughed at that...and that's all I needed to continue doing it the rest of the game, much to everyone else's dismay
Anyway, there's a great game in Brent's honor: http://corbyfanpage.tripod.com/mushbooger.htm
The game was really good though. Notre Dame is my second favorite college football team and I always root for them (except for this game). Charlie Weiss is outstanding and I just love the tradition of that school's program. This is what separates the big boys (Ohio State, ND, Michigan, Penn State) from the others...namely Southern football schools and their pig-poking fans.
*****************************
My brother treated my dad, nephew and I to a Columbus BlueJackets NHL game recently. We met my brother over in C-bus (the trendy thing to call Columbus, I hear) and had a nice meal before the game. We then sat 11 rows from the ice in the corner behind the goal. Nationwide Arena is very spacious and clean. Also, the place was home to the Pepsi Power Patrol. A group of scantilly clad young lassies with very tight fitting uniforms handing out t-shirts and what-not. Personally, I was a little offended. As was dad who claimed that "a couple of them kept hanging around me, rubbing up against me". Luckily, fighting through our disgust, we managed to enjoy the game and put that little incident behind us.
I forgot how great NHL hockey really was. There really is no comparison between these guys and the lower levels of hockey in the local area. All of the passes are so crisp and precise. I've always said that for one to be able to appreciate hockey at its best, one must be able to see the entire ice. It is so hard to follow on television, but when you are there you can grasp the "flow" of the game and see the movement of the players without the puck.
It was a 0-0 game going late into the final period but the lack of scoring didn't diminish that game one bit. In fact, it intensified the play and made every shot more important.
One of the great things about hockey is the fighting. I've spoken to a guy who once played in the professional ranks and he talked about how big a part fighting played in the game. It wasn't always just indiscriminate punching and roughing up the other guy, but it served a purpose and that "goons" (guys whose main job it was to fight) were a key member of the team. Great teams and great players (Gretzky, Lemieux, etc...) always had a "goon" on the team that did his part.
So late in the third period it is heating up a little bit and the checks are becoming more frequent and much harder. As soon as the puck was dropped after a stoppage in play, the whistle blew the play dead immediately as two brutes threw down the gloves and squared off. Each of them got a few dozen shots in on the other guy, but the real beauty of it was that the rest of the team just stood by and gave them room. The refs backed away and let them settle it. As soon as they fell to the ice, the fight was over and the whole incident was done. Now where else can you see that? So for all of you pansy-asses who want to eliminate fighting from the game, please try to tell that to the other 25 thousands fans who were on their feet with me yelling in delight.
**********************
Speaking of the hockey game...they did something there that I think should be adopted by all sports. The ushers only allow people back down to their seats when there is a stoppage in play. Pure genius!
Something that gets me grumbling every time I go to a ball game is when people meander down to their seats at any point, usually during a pitch or key play. What's worse is that they stand there and fiddle around before they sit down as if nobody is behind them. I usually give a muffled "sit down...sit down idiot!" out of the corner of my mouth and if they turn and look at me, I look the other way as if I'm trying to figure out who was saying that.
Listen, if you have to piss or get something to eat...wait till play is stopped. Likewise, when you return, stand at the top row and watch the game until nothing is going on. On average, you'll have to wait, like, 2 minutes and that gives you ample time to scarf down a few cheese-drenched nachos!
******************************
We signed up Anna for T-Ball, her first forray into organized sports and hopefully not her last. She told us that she was ready to play which is important to me because I don't want to push them into stuff they don't like doing (except for cleaning rooms, brushing teeth, peeing before bedtime)
My brother so eloquently summed up T-Ball when I told him about it. He said, "It's as close to purgatory as you can get on this earth". I believe he's probably right.
A couple things about youth sports. First, if you are at a game rooting on your team/child and giving a hoot and a holler here and there...great! If you are at the game yelling instructions, disputing referee calls, and really caring about the outcome of the game...then you are a jackass and I should punch you in the kidneys.
Listen, I want my kid to do well and win. Whoever says it's not important to win is, by definition, a loser. Of course it is only t-ball and kids will be more concerned with picking dandelions and chasing butterflies than picking off runners and chasing down fly balls. Life is full of winning and losing. Each of us experiences both sides each day. I wake up each morning and trudge into work realizing that they should name the gameshow "Biggest Loser" after me. But when the whistle blows, I clock out and arrive home, I realize I've hit the jackpot quite a few times with the lovely ladies that live in the house with me. Anna may be the worst player ever and may never even get a hit. But she will have learned a good life lesson, move on, and try to conquer another task. Gotta go soon, her anabolic steroids injection appointment is in an hour.
*****************************
http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/
Click on the site above to read one of the funniest things ever. Chuck Norris is a bad ass, this link will show you why.
*****************************
Something I have learned in life:
I'm pretty cheap when it comes to the purchase of certain goods. For example, I will buy the bargain brand of bagged corn instead of the name brand because I'm pretty certain that the name brand people aren't really pushing the envelope as far as advancement in the production/consumption of bagged corn. I buy the off-brand of cleaners, toilet paper, cereal (where you can really realize what a scam breakfast cereals are. Nearly $5 for a box of Lucky Charms, when I can buy the Kroger brand for $1.50? No brainer! Sure it may contain 50 known carcinogens and be totally above the legal limit of rat feces per million (RFPM), but my kids don't know any better...and hell, I'm save some money for scratch off lottery tickets, baby!).
But there are a few items you shouldn't skimp on. Shoes are important. You're on your feet all day, treat them nice. Birth control...go cheap here and you'll probably really be paying for it later, at least for 18 years. But the most important item to spend a few more cents on is trash bags. Life's too short to mess around with a cheap trash bag. I've learned through the years that it's the "mils" that you gotta look for. That's the bag thickness. So I buy nothing smaller than 9.5 mil. Anything below that and you'll be picking rotten diapers and mutated chicken parts out of the bottom of your trashcan. And that's no fun.
*************************
Did you know that Jerome Bettis is from Detroit and that is where the Super Bowl is being played this year?
**************************
Oh yeah! Had a vasectomy recently. For those of you who don't know, a vasectomy is a surgical procedure that involves cutting the vas deferens (the tube that carries the "seed" or, in medical terms, "baby batter") from each testicle thus making pregnancy (at least involving me) impossible.
Literally, "vasectomy" is Latin for "Cutting the Wang" and they say it takes a week to fully recover and allow me to agree...it certainly does take a week. Exactly 7 days later, I finally felt like I could walk somewhat normally again. There are a few great consequences resulting from a successful vasectomy. The main one being that I can no longer father into this house another female. Seems to be a trend. The other is that for two days after the procedure, you are not allowed to do anything but sit around. Perfect!
What was interesting about this whole thing is that my good friend Gill had talked about getting it done before. I'm sure our wives conspired behind our backs for the same thing. Coincidentally, it happened that we were going to the same doctor. His name? Dr. Hussein.
Fear instantly crept into my head as I pictured this angry man with a mustache from a Middle Eastern country vowing to undermine the "American pigs, one testicle at a time". Turns out the guy was very nice and very funny. I had an entire conversation while he was slicing away at the twins about everything from the insurance industry to the town of Troy.
My appointment was at 3 pm on friday and the wife was going to take me there. I told her not to be late (as she usally is) because I don't want some mad Iraqi dictator maniacally waving sharp instruments at me because I was 2 minutes late. Gill's appointment was right after mine at 4.
The doctor employed two nurses who were also extremely nice. I told them about my friend in the waiting room and they immediately sprung into action. One wrapped my head in guaze while the other one gave me a "puke pan" to carry with me. As we prepared to open the door the doctor whispered frantically "you hunch over...you walk with limp!". So I open the door and stagger out, bandaged up while holding the puke tray near my mouth. Gill looked at me and quickly hid his face behind the copy of Cosmo he was reading. His wife looked at me and let out a great laugh. It was a good laugh as I stood there and looked back through the open doors to see the entire staff, my wife, and Gill's wife laughing. The only one quiet and stone-faced was Gill.
Saturday morning comes and Gill shows up to the house about 11 am. He has a cooler with some beer and packaged peas. Apparently the AMA and the Pea Association of America have a huge alliance as every bit of advice I heard or read ended with "make sure you have a frozen bag of peas to sit on".
We throw in a game of Halo into the X-box and played non-stop until about 8 o'clock that night. Occassionally, we'd check out some of the playoff games or stop briefly to holler up to the wife to bring down more chip dip and another drink...but we really didn't do much and it was actually quite perfect....except for the pain.
There's probably a little something sad about the procedure for me. I've been blessed three straight times with unimaginably perfect, healthy children. They've given more to me in these few short years than I could ever have possibly fathomed. But there is the finality of it all. Sure, it can be reversed, but it probably won't be. It's almost as if I shouldn't press my luck another time. I've been three for three and the chances of me batting a "thousand" seems like a stretch and almost seems a bit greedy.
Of course, there will be the idiots who will ask, "You're not going to try for a boy?". My friend Jake also has three girls and we often talk about the funny/rude things we've heard from other people about having all girls. It's almost as if people feel sorry for you. "Oh, another girl?, they say in a somber tone. Also, my favorite thing to hear ever is the phrase "You just wait..." I would hope that my girls don't grow up to be traveling prostitutes or narcotics dealers (unless the money is really good), but if they do at least let me enjoy the few years I have with them while they are sweet and innocent before I move out to live in the barn instead of you warning me of the doom and gloom awaiting me in the future.
**************************
By the way, I want to say Congratulations to our good friends Barb and Eddie who recently gave birth to a child. They are two of the nicest, funniest people I know and the wife and I are extremely happy for them. Eddie is single-handedly responsible for uttering three or four of the funniest things I've ever heard in my life...(I'll have to tell you the story of "the captain" sometime, not sure I've ever laughed as hard) They are odd people though. Why? Because they have all of these good qualities and are still Pittsburgh Steelers fans! Like "jumbo shrimp" "plastic glasses" and "linear curve", a "Steelers fans that is a good person" are things that just don't often go together.
(you're o.k. too, Dave)
*********************************
If you haven't seen The Office (nbc, thursday nights), please do me a favor and watch. Probably the funniest show on television (preceded by My Name is Earl...also great)
*********************************
This just in: Jerome Bettis who is from Detroit, will be playing in the Super Bowl which also happens to be in Detroit!
*********************************
Flipped through the channels the other night and saw Dancing with the Stars. To me, this goes with the "Trainwreck Theory". You know, you don't want to see it, but then again you can't turn away because you're gonna see something really freakin' crazy. Jerry Rice is probably the greatest wide receiver in the history of the NFL, but his Hall of Fame status should be suspended due to his participation on this show.
It's like Figure Skating. Ever flip through other stations when a big game is on t.v.? You'll see ESPN airing the World Championships of Skating or something. It's like they're saying "Listen, nobody is watching us because (other network) has the big game on...so we're admitting defeat and airing this rubbish"
And while we're on it, did you hear what Johnny Weir (some skating dude, pictured to the right) said after his routine? He said he felt like "the prettiest flower in the pond". What! Huh? You gotta be kidding me?
Skating is not a sport and is a big reason I don't like the winter olympics. Any "sport" that factors in both your costume and music selection to determine whether or not you represent your country in a foreign land seems a little fruity to me. "Instead of the 9.856 he should have received, he'll probably be docked hard for a few of the sequins on his costume coming off and will only receive a 9.854" Hell, they gave a chick (Kwan) a spot on the team without even skating. How does this happen and I wonder what the lady who will be watching it from home is thinking.
My favorite moment during every skating telecast is when one of the skaters breaks from his normal routine to kick off his/her shoes and have a little fun. This involves some crazy costume and silly music. But the kicker is when the announcer (and they do it every single time) says "Ha ha ha, he's really having some fun out there". If my wife stops on skating, I can undoubtedly get her to turn the channel immediately when I give a hardy fake laugh and say "he's really having fun out there". Channel changes. I fall to me knees to thank the lord.
**********************
Went and saw Brokeback Mountain the other night.......yeah right! Again, this proves my theory that a movie will be heralded as "award worthy" if it is a) controversial. b) has a beautiful actor looking very ugly. c) is completely haughty and unappealing or d) embraces homos.
I liken it to Opera. Nobody really likes opera. It's just that they think they are supposed to like it and feel like they are significant and cultured if they listen to it. It's like they're singing in a different language or something...like Italian....hmmm.
Give me something like "Wedding Crashers, Old School, Caddyshack, Dumb and Dumber". To me, those are award winners. They make me laugh, they make me comfortable, and they make me feel a little bit better for getting raped at the ticket counter for the $9 just to get in the door so I can buy a $4 small coke and spend $5 for a box of Snow Caps (Non Pareils..and they are unparalleled) and sit in front of some dude smacking his lips while crunching popcorn in my ear.
************************
Went bowling recently with the wife and kids, along with a few other couples and their children. Had a really great time. Unlike Figure Skating, bowling does involve three key ingredients that make it a sport: it involves a ball, beer, and a jukebox blaring out all 80's Big Hair Bands. One bad thing about bowling is that the scoring is weird. One minute you have 20 points and two rolls later you have something like 82.563. I dont' get it.
Anyway, about 10 minutes into it someone had to mention it..."when are we getting into a bowling league?". Immediately, the rest of us gave a litany of reasons. First, bowling leagues typically last for 933 weeks. My dad once remarked that he always heard people say that they "had to go bowling", as if it were some marathon they embarked on a long time ago and were devoted to playing out the season. It's kinda like church. Most people will say that they "had to go to church". Rarely do you hear people say, "Man, I'm so excited to get up early on my one day off a week and stuff myself into some pew next to smelly Joe, the overly-devout homeless guy." Secondly, with us it would not be a competition to see how well we score on the alley, but yet how many beers can we down in the alloted time. This, of course, leads to arrests, restraining orders, and most importantly, very unhappy wives.
*********************
The other night I was settling in for a nice mid-winter's night slumber when the wife called for me. "Hurry", she said. I find her in the bathroom with the toilet overflowing and about 3 inches of water spilling all over the floor. The toilet was backed up. What's worse is that when I plunged it, all kinds of goo came gurgling up through the drains in the bathtubs in both bathrooms. Immediately, my mind turns to horrible thoughts of replacing the entire septic system or some extremely expensive procedure to rid my house of this infernal vileness.
The good news is that my boys from Alexander Drain (good peeps) came out and unclogged the clog and emptied the septic tank as well (which needed done badly...I've been visiting Skyline a lot lately and I'm sure there was quite a buildup down there)
Interestingly enough, the guy told us to mix up a couple packs of yeast along with some brown sugar and flush it down the toilet. Also, he asked the wife, "You don't use Charmin toilet paper do you, because it is the worst on septic systems?" to which she answered "No!"...when in reality, whenever she does the grocery shopping she always buys Charmin because the kids like the commercial "Charmin Ultra, Less is More" (again, I go with cheap brands. It's your butt, folks. We're not polishing the mirrors on the Hubble Telescope, we're simply wiping the rear.) She tells me to "don't say I told you so" as she's giving me the rundown on that day's plumbing expedition. I looked at her understandingly as I held her lovingly and quietly whispered in her ear "I told you so".
****************************
Hey, Jerome Bettis is from Detroit and that's where the Super Bowl is being played this year!
*******************************
Not a big fan of Jerome "Top Physical Speciman" Bettis (really, you don't like him? Couldn't figure that one out). I'm not really sure why he insists on jumping up and doing a dance after each 3 yard jaunt. Silly actually. It's like when a defensive lineman makes a tackle after the running back runs right into him...and the defensive lineman gets up shaking his head as if to say "no way, you can't run on me", when only the play before he got trucked by a fullback on a screen play.
What's even better is when we see Bettis plow behind that very fine offensive line (which doesn't get enough credit. they are very good) for 5 yards and the television cameras immediately show Jerome's Momma with her Jerome jersey on clapping for Jerome! Good god, this makes me sick. It's almost as bad when Kurt Warner, during his peak, made a good play and they'd flash a shot of his nutso-loonie wife with her feathery boa and spiked-dyke haircut clapping. It makes me weary.
Although there would have been no better ending to Jerome's career if Indy would have scored after he fumbled on the goal line. He could have gone down with the Byners and Billy Buckners of the world...great players but always remembered for their blunder. It would have been sweet revenge for having to watch him do some ecstatic jig after he ran for 2+ yards.
I'm sorry, it is hard for me to say this because I have some good friends who are Steelers fans but...I hate the Steelers. There! I said it. I only like two players, Hartings and Troy Palamolive. In fact, I think Palamolive is one of the finest defensive players in the league. He's everywhere! But he's gotta cut the hair. It look ridiculous.
As for Little Ben, turn the hat around forward, you are not a teenage skateboarder. I can't even talk about him, he makes my stomach churn. He looks like he should be hanging out with Randy Tilton at the Brewery on a Tuesday night with a gold chain around his neck waiting for his favorite rap song to come on so he can dance "Bow wow wow yippee yo yippee yay!"
***************************
All right, I'm done rambling on about nothingness. Steelers fans, take it easy. Don't be mad, I'm still trying to get over the Bengies loss.