ple of coke bottles shoved in his eyes sockets...but that somfabitch can write some damned words now!) As I sit at my cluttered desk I realize that I am wearing nothing but a ripped-up sleeveles Nike shirt and some ratty shorts from '97. Occassionaly I will take a huge gulp of chocolate milk and often scratch south of the border. Great writers would be sitting upon an overstuffed, riveted leather chair at an old manual typewriter with a giant bowl of brandy by their side. Not me. I swear, if for some reason every writer in the world disappeared overnight and people turned their lonely eyes to me for literature, the first book I published would have a full picture on the back jacket cover of me in a cardigan sweater with elbow patches, smoking a meerschaum pipe as I gaze into the distance with a pensive look on my face....
Has anyone noticed that Nick Lachey has been doing a lot of sports shows lately? I've seen him on discussion panels and being asked for his picks of the week. Now many may say, "What the hell is he doing talking about sports?". If you know me, you might think I would say the same. But I gotta' say, I think it's kinda cool. Let's look at the facts: He's from Cincy, he seems like a pretty good guy, he knows what he's talking about...oh!...and he's currently shacking up with some incredibly steaming hot babe. (if there are any doubts about the said hotness of his wife, please refer to her video for the Dukes movie. I've spoken about the "POW" factor before...when you see someone like her and just say "Pow!"...much stronger than wow, closer to holy crap, but just below Geeeezusss Krrriiisstt!) So, good for him. You know, he and I are a lot alike. We both have beautiful wives, love Cincinnati sports teams...and....well, I never sang in a boy band or slept with Jessica Simpson and I wake up and go to a job each day that I simply deplore and have the life sucked out of me for 8 hours 5 days a week. Yeah, we're a lot alike. (a lone tear streams down my cheek)
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The approach of 9/11 is coming soon and, without bringing down the "show", it just amazes me how life-altering that day was for all of us. No words could ever describe. But on a completely different subject, and much lighter I might add, the 11th also marks the second day of what I consider to be Football season. See, Saturday night is the Ohio State vs. Texas matchup. Sunday is the Bengals opener against the cleveland team. This is the start of football for me because OSU openers don't really mean too much to me. Whoopdee doo...Miami of Ohio, or BG, or some other mid-major. But Saturday! Look out. I'm so excited that I have already applied the eye-black to my cheeks and taped my ankles. I'm giddy with anticipation. To make things better, our good friend Gene (proprieter/operator of Geno's Bar and Grill) has decided to open his establishment much earlier in the season than usual to mark this occassion. Thinking about it...I've never had a bad time there, so no wonder why I can't wait to get back. (Geno's among many other events, marked the place where I enjoyed one of the greatest sports moments in my life. It was the Ohio State National Championship vs. Miami (of Fla.). Without going on too much about the intensity in that room that night, I have to say that I'll never forget that feeling I had in the last minutes when the Buckeyes missed their final opportunity and how I just hurt because AGAIN, my team failed. But wait! A flag. Another chance. They convert! Final seconds, Miami fails and the clock is at zero and I remember the room erupting in sheer craziness of people hugging/jumping...I fell to the floor and people fell all around me as the noise was deafening in a tiny bar in a barn in the middle of the country on a cold, cold January night as a handful of good friends celebrated a common victory. There is so much more in that memory than just the win and it's something I will never forget.
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For fear of jinxing my team, I will not make my usual prediction this year as I have the last couple. No, I'm not saying the Bengals will go 15-1 or "14-2...conservative". It doesn't work and only accomplishes the goal of making me look more of the horse's ass than I already am.
In related news, I stepped down from my long tenure as Commissioner of the JFL (J-Bird Fantasy Football League). I started it on my own in 1999 and ran it up until a few weeks ago. I ruled with an Iron Fist from Suite 83 in the JFL Headquarters in downtown New York, but it was time to move on. I just don't have the time or the desire to go through with it this season. But if you have never done a fantasy football league, do yourself a favor and try it. It will make you concerned for the stats of the freakin' Arizona/Seattle game that you would otherwise give two shits less about.
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Donnie Baker and "Morgan Freeman" call in skits on Bob and Tom radio will invariably make me laugh...no matter what! "It was the longest night of Andy's life..."
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Here's a murphy's law moment for you. If you spend a lot of money on a big ass mower, it will never rain again thus eliminating the need for mowing and that new mower sitting in your garage.
It actually has rained a little bit lately and I gotta say my rig gets er done. I can cut a 40 yard long path in 4.2 seconds (I raced Darryl Green, formerly of the Redskins and smoked his butt). It sounds like a freakin' sikorsky when I engage the blades. Oh sure, I may be a pathetic fat loser, but my mower makes me feel really good about myself. *coming soon to a Dr. Phil episode near you*
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The theme is again football. If you haven't seen the Nike Football commercial "I Promise", please check it out here....http://www.nike.com/nikegridiron/index.jhtml?ref=www.nike.com#promise
Not to be a reminiscent sap, but football has so many memories to it that always stay with you. Mostly, for me, are the sounds. As in the commercial I just mentioned, there are a few there that just take you back to very specific moments. There are times when it is exceedingly hot out and excessively dry...and the humidity makes the air so thick...there is this smell I get and it always takes me back to the second session of a two-a-day practice (for those who don't know, you would practice for a few hours in the morning, take a short break, then put all of your wet, sweaty pads back on and go at it for another couple of hours) where the grass has turned to dirt and you wonder why you do it. But another memory comes back as I think about walking down from the locker room preparing to run onto the field. I felt sick to my stomach but incredibly hopped up. Like a gladiator about to do battle. But I'll never forget as we made that slow walk to the gate hearing the band march. No, not the marching band...but the music they made as they marched getting louder over the sound of our cleats on the gravel drive. It was just the drum guys and, I think, the xylophone (can that be right? did they carry a freakin' xylophone in a marching band? Anyway, it was the bell sounding thingy) Again, not to be like Uncle Rico (from Nap. Dynamite) but it is and always will be one of those things that always stick with you.
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I watched The Last Samurai the other night. Let me say this, for as much as a farged-up cooky crackpot that Tom Cruise is, he has made a few good movies (such as a few good men).
Three Cruise movies you gotta see if you could only see three:
**#1 Top Gun :no brainer, one of the greatest movies of all time.
**#2 Collateral: would be #1 if there were no Top Gun. He's a freakin' badass in this movie. Intense and Jamie Foxx is good in it. (the soundtrack includes a song called "Hands of Time" by the Groove Armada, find this song and listen to it. Incredible)
**#3 I'm not sure now that I've started my list...but you have to mention these as really good movies (at least that I liked) Few Good Men, The Firm, Minority Report, and Born on the 4th of July
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Shouldn't trees be free to anyone who wants them? On the same note, why the hell should a three foot baby tree cost over a hundred bucks? Something doesn't seem right about that. Probably why it cost 2 bucks for a bottle of freakin' water. **Which reminds me, if you want to see a great comedian, see Jim Gaffigan...he does a bit on water that is perfect**
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Allright, I'm done for the night. Remember, there is a plethora of dated, mindless ramblings located in the Archives section (below the previous posts area) on the right hand side of this site.
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