Teachers, Cold Weather

Hello all. The staff at J-Bird's blog hopes this latest posting finds you all doing well. It's currently 9 degrees outside. Temperatures that low reside in what I like to call "the cussing zone". So cold that doing minimal tasks outdoors make one suddenly blurt out "GAWWD-DAMMIT". Nobody will hear you...the weather won't warm because of your profanity-laced tirade, but the bitter cold compels me to give a quick, yelpy, hearty cuss. It just feels so right.
However, my favorite phrase this time of year has just lightly vibrated against the tender membrane of my eardrums. "X-amount of days until pitchers and catchers report!", just typing that excites me enough to give me goosebumps. Forget that lumpy-assed groundhog in Punxsutawney, the official announcement of Spring's impending arrival comes when I hear that pitchers and catchers will be reporting to their teams' training facilities.
Punxsutawney..Pennsylvania. I once drove through a corner of Pennsylvania. Spent about 15 minutes on one of their roads...so this makes me an expert on the state and qualifies me to ask this question: Is there a shittier state than Pennsylvania? Actually, there is. I will give you some crappy states, in order. This list is fact and is not debatable:
1. Alabama (Baptists and Sodomites, a study in hypocrisy)
2. Louisiana (A low-lying cesspool full of vagrants, looters, FEMA trailers, and flies bigger than birds)
3. Cleveland (sure, it's not a state, but it's suckiness is at stately proportions)
4. Arizona (no water and that whole "dry heat" myth)
5. Mississippi (Too many "s" in your name)
6. Pennsylvania (Home of almost more Steelers fans than Ohio)

Wow...and that was just my lead in. If you're getting that type of Grade A material in the first couple of paragraphs, you should consider yourself blessed. (Unfortunately, you should expect a sudden tapering-off)
***************************************
Today the kids have a two hour delay. For what...the nasty weather I mentioned earlier? No...for teacher training. I know we, as a society, are not allowed to say anything bad about the teaching profession. That we should all rally for them to receive higher pay. But, I'm a jerk.
What kind of an organization gets to take two hours off of their job educating kids...so they can train to, well, educate kids. Not that they could have done that during their 3 months off during the summer or their schedule "Teacher Work Days". No!
Could you imagine a corporation doing that? A corporation that is accountable to make money and prosper? "Attention, the entire staff should report to the cafeteria and suspend operations (don't answer the phones, meet customers, make product) because we're going to have a meeting about...how to do our jobs."
Screw the kids' education, these guys need two hours to suck down donuts and be trained. Ahhh...Unions.
***************************************
My morning routines are rather nice now. In the past I would get up around 5 am. Wake up, get outta' bed, drag a comb across my head (thanks Beatles)and get out. However, now I sleep slightly longer and I'm afforded the opportunity to read the day's news on the internet and have some coffee. Kinda' nice.
My wife enjoys the Today Show. And I have to say that it's a pretty good show. They cover a lot of stuff. I like Matt Lauer and I think Meredith Vieira is attractive and professional. Ann Curry (with Rice) is NOT your typical token Asian reporter which is required on bigger broadcasts (State Law). She is also nice looking and is good at her job.
Having said all of that, I happen to catch a segment here and there and many of them make me laugh. For example, today...they built up a big segment about dealing with winter or whatever. They come back from a break and head outside where Roker is interviewing this "Expert" on dealing with cold weather. He's got a whole table of sh*t set up and I'm poised to be Wowed. The overly perky expert dude proceeds to tell me, as he points to a bag of salt, that "sprinkling this on icy pavement will actually melt the ice!" Are you *#&! kidding me? Really? That's amazing, Copperfield!
I think Cavemen were sprinkling salt on the steps of their icy cave dwellings so Gragar, the clan's leader, wouldn't fall on his hairy back on his way out to hunt some Jurassic Period Mastodons. Now I've got Einstein with his fancy bagged salt announcing to the world that "This will melt ice!" like he just discovered a cure for cancer.
At this point, I'm locked in to this segment. No way I'm leaving this brainbuster.
I sit down to take the rest of this in as I know my wife, just trying to enjoy some morning tv and her coffee (which I will later dump down the sink when I find it 7 hours later) is sitting there hoping I don't make any smart comments.
So Mr. Info continues down the line of Cold weather gear to show us another breakthrough in snow/ice management...the Ice Scraper! I rolled my eyes but didn't say a word. I was trying so hard not to make a snotty comment.
But the next thing, well, I just couldn't contain myself. Here's his tip o' the day. "If you find that you have a lot of snow or ice on your car windshield, then you'll want to start your car about 15 minutes early and let it run. The heater will melt a lot of that snow and ice."
...................Silence..............Slowly, my wife and I turn to look at each other when she says, "Ok. That was stupid." *Some background here...I bust her chops a bit about some of the stupid stuff she watches. Desperate Housewives? I can make a thousand negative comments about that a night. Biggest Loser? That show is 55 minutes of people crying, which I kindly like to point out. What Not to Wear? I've had my fill of lispy designers bashing some chick's poor handbag and heels selection. So the tension on me to break the silence and start dogging this Cold Weather guru was at the boiling point, yet I resisted because it would be yet another opportunity for me to be an ass and give Wifey heck for the shows she watches. She beat me to it.
There was really nothing anyone could say at that point. Here's a dude that's probably making some good coin appearing on national TV and his big final tip was to start your car and let the heater warm up and melt the snow on your windshield.
And they say it's hard to get on TV.
********************************************
This whole Conan/Leno thing has officially gotten out of hand. The other day, someone commented that it was a "tragedy". Sorry...wrong...a tragedy is when people die or bad things happen. Multi-million dollar entertainers getting 40 million dollar buyouts and such does not constitute a tragedy. I'd love to experience that tragic affair.
Anyway, it is entertaining. First off, I'm a Conan O'Brien fan. I think he's by far the funniest late night guy. Letterman has gotten too grumpy and Leno, sadly, just isn't funny.
I've always liked Leno. When I was in 4th-5th grade or so, I'd watch Carson every night during the summer. I'm guessing few 11 year old boys ever got excited hearing a guest list that included Don Rickles, Jimmy Stewart, Bob Newhart, or Garry Shandling...I did. So I always watched Carson and Letterman followed him. At that time, Letterman was a bit wilder, more collegiate possibly. They'd drop stuff off buildings, crush things with a 50 ton press...you just never knew what would happen on a given night.
That's when I learned about Jay Leno. He and Letterman were apparently friends and Jay would come on the show and do a stand-up routine. He was brilliant.
So that is why I can't dog Leno too much. It's unfortunate that his latest show was just that rotten. It really was. I wanted to like it. I actually felt embarrassed for him at times.
In conclusion, I think Conan got screwed. I don't blame Leno for taking his old job back. And I am excited to see Conan in his new show whatever/whenever that may be.
A tragedy it is not.
*********************************************
I'm sure my political feelings and Party affiliation is not a big secret. You could probably guess that I'm not into "Big Government" and hate the fact that there's legislation for everything.
However, I will use this popular blogging platform to push for Federal legislation that I feel is necessary and vital to the future of our great country.
The President needs to call an emergency meeting now, to convene the House and Senate and get my Bill pushed through...PRONTO!
My proposal: On your bathroom sink, you have a tube of toothpaste. On that same sink, you may have a tube of butt cream. Next to that, you may find a tube of medicated muscle rub. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a recipe for disaster and immediate action must be taken!
Let me throw out one possible Doomsday Scenario. It's 6 am and you've just woken from a long night's slumber. To the sink you go to brush the very teeth that spent the night in your tepid, stinky piehole. You reach, in the faint early morning light, for a tube of what you think is toothpaste. Instead, it is either a) butt cream or b) icy-hot.
I will let you use your mind to figure out how and why grabbing the wrong tube could be bad. Hint: It's not mistakenly applying toothpaste to the old balloon knot. That feels rather refreshing...I mean, that's what I've been told.
The government needs to step in and call for a drastic change in packaging of these tubed-materials. You can reach into your pocket and tell if the coin you are holding is a quarter, a dime, a penny just by feel. I propose the same distinction be made with the above items. We must work together to blur and crossover the old party lines to get this Bill passed. It is not something we should do, it is something we WILL do.
I need to only remind you of the horror that could result from an early morning episode with a toothbrush and the application of Ben-Gay to the bristles...or Ben-Gay to other areas. Harrowing, indeed.
***************************************************
Finally, leave some comments/complaints. Leave some questions for me to answer next time. Anything! Let me know you're still there. Let me know someone other than my wife is reading this crap (she only reads it because I print it off and stand there staring at her until she is pressured to read it)
Me, imagining you are interested, is what keeps me pounding out this blabbering nonsense.