Olympics, Danica, and Lindsey

Hi there everybody. The snow has finally stopped falling but the mighty arctic winds continue to sweep snow from 10 miles away and deposit it in my driveway.
I like Ohio. I like the seasons. I don't necessarily hate winter. However, I have officially hit the wall when it comes to my tolerance of Old Man Winter. Yesterday was my expiration date for this season. Come on Spring!
I have a 1949 Ford 8N tractor. My dad and I bought it 3-4 years ago. We found it in someone's yard where it had been sitting for many years. So long, in fact, that it literally had small trees growing up through the frame. It had to be cut away from the trees.
I'm proud to say that over the course of a winter, I (with the help of many others) rebuilt it to working condition. I've mowed, pushed snow, pulled wagons,and generally just goofed around on it ever since.
Each winter I eagerly await the first snowfall so I can go out and put the old tractor to work. It's truly quite fun and gives me a huge sense of pride and accomplishment with each pile of snow I rid my driveway of.
This week, the snow comes and I fire up the tractor and begin my manly task. Ten minutes later the tractor sputters and spits while I struggle to nurse it into the barn to evaluate it.
Now, let me stop right here to explain something to you all. I have almost zero mechanical know-how. Jerry Seinfeld once said something to the effect that he pops open the hood of his car as if he knows what he is looking for. Like there's a big ON/OFF switch. Ahh...there's the problem..it's OFF!
Same thing with me. I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I jiggle this, tap on that, cuss at those. It never helps.
Yesterday I was rescued by my brother who dropped off his snowblower. It worked great and cleared a path to freedom like an icebreaker cracking through the Arctic sea for freighters.
But with each push of the snowblower I felt a punch in the gut as my tractor sat dead and quiet in the corner of the barn. I have the means to clear this driveway yet I lack the knowledge to get it running.
Winter finally pissed me off for the last time as I stood with a 3 foot snowblower, inching away at a 5 foot drift while the wind blew the snow back into my frozen face...and I watched a neighbor drive by on a Kubota tractor with backhoe and front bucket attachments. I stood and watched...the driver waved...and sped past me leaving me standing on the tundra staring at what seems to be an impassable drift that I may never get through.
If I had a tractor...I'd get through that, I thought to myself.
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The Olympics have started. My one word opinion on the Olympics in general: Yawn.
I don't know, I guess I sorta' get it...I kinda' like SOME of the Olympics. There are a few events that I really like and find visually interesting. But with those neat events there are a few that I absolutely can't stand.
I love the hockey, speed skating, luge, bobsled and some of the downhill skiing. And yes, I really like curling. How cool would that be to play?
There are a few that I can't stomach. First, and foremost, figure skating. As it has been said before, whenever your costume and music choice help determine whether you win or not...it instantly disqualifies your event as a sport. I don't like "judgement" sports where you could possibly lose because the Lithuanian judge thought your left elbow was bent a little too far inward.
Another thing that turns me off about the winter olympics is snowboarder Shaun White. How did he get to be the face of the American athlete? How can I openly cheer for a guy that looks like the love child of Carrot Top and Sissy Spacek? Snowboarding is cool. It's impressive. But a sport it is not.
But there are two events that are both worse than figure skating...the Opening/Closing ceremonies. Holy crap is that a long, drawn-out spectacle of nonsense. Opening/Closing ceremonies have followed the same guidelines for the past 100 years.
1. Mass of people often waving a flashlight, glowstick or colored paper to form some sort of design
2. The host country telling of their heritage with some native indian fella hopping around in an elaborate feathered outfit lip-syncing to some tribal chanting.
3. Children. It's all about the children isn't it? You'll probably find one in some shiny tights dancing to some classical music.
4. Some sort of "flying" performed by hoisting some chick onto some wires and flying her around as she tells the story of their fair country. It is an Olympic law that you must fly someone around on wires.
5. The seemingly endless parade of countries that have zero chance of winning a medal. "And here comes Kerplackistan. Population 2000. There isn't snow within 8000 miles of their country, but they'll have their one participant, Ishmir Nochance, competing in cross-country skiing. Oh! The majesty of it all!"
6. Competitors from civilized nations walking out of the tunnel wide-eyed, just there to take it all in...while they gaze into their camcorders. The less-advanced countries are forced to walk out without camcorders.


There's a reason Up With People no longer do the halftime of major football games.
Because they sucked. This is the same as Up With People except the Olympic ceremonies are paid for by taxpayers.
Give me the sports...with a ball, a puck, or a timer. Let's determine a winner here, folks!
But I'll end on a positive note. For every Shaun White and flippy male figure skater we have to stomach, we get an athletic little number like Lindsey Vonn. Hubba. Freakin. Hubba. *if you need more proof, check out the recent Swimsuit Issue.
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Speaking of non-sports, let's talk about Nascar. If you're still really into Nascar, you're probably an illiterate maudlin cornholing hillbilly. Well, maybe not. Nascar isn't that bad. I used to attend races each year and follow it a bit but I will say that its appeal dropped off dramatically about the time Dale Earnhardt died. It was after that event that Nascar jumped, full-force, into being a corporate machine focused more on selling cell phones and pickup trucks rather than racin'. Nascar lost it's edge and it was slowly pushing out the qualities that made it great.

Case in point: A few years ago, Dale Earnhardt Jr. said, on air, a cuss word. Not a big one...but it slipped out in the heat of the moment. Later, he was fined a huge amount, but worse, had championship points taken away from him. Nascar had forgotten that people cared less about the cars and spoiler heights and more about who formed alliances, which driver was mad at this driver, and who was going to punch someone after the race. It had a little professional wrestling feel to it and that is what people liked. You think watching a car go around in a circle for 3 hours is really that exciting? No!
What was the biggest defining moment in Nascar history that essentially launched it into mainstream popularity? The last lap of the 1979 Daytona 500. Cale Yarborough and Donnie Allison were leading the last lap when they got tangled up and crashed. As the race ended, they jumped out of their cars and started throwing punches. This single event is often called the catalyst for making Nascar popular.
Now the "sport" is filled with fresh-faced "Northern" boys who are more Mechanical Engineer than they are a race car driver. They need great public speakers that don't cause controversy and can sell tires. Nascar got "Vanilla" and ratings continued a downward fall.
The sport needs personalities. It needs controversy and feuds. Perhaps Nascar is trying to right the ship by encouraging their drivers to open it up a bit. "NASCAR has relaxed its stance on bump-drafting and aggressive driving, and has encouraged participants to whittle down their obligatory sponsor plugs and start showing some real emotion. It's a clear response to fan complaints that drivers had become too corporate, and that NASCAR's restrictions had ruined the racing at Daytona and Talladega, typically the two most exciting tracks on the circuit." - AP
However, the farce continues with the addition of Danica Patrick into the Nascar mix. Danica Patrick is a sideshow. Another "look at me" ploy that sells a...gasp!...woman driving a car. Guess what...it's already been done, 33 years ago! Janet Guthrie qualified and drove in the 1977 Indy 500. Story over. Move on.
Most people understand that we have a black President and haven't spoken of it for a long time; yet we continue to fawn over Danica because she is a chick that drives a car (and never wins).
Oh well...if you can't tell, I don't care much for her. I hate folks that get too much credit for something they're really not that great at.
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Now that I've bashed a chick I don't care much for, I will offer up a lady that I kinda' like. I'll say her name and I'll let it sink in for a minute. She seems fun and not insufferable like most famous people appear to me. The pitch-person for my for my favorite stove, Kelly Ripa.
Oh Kelly, you can cook me dinner and wash my clothes any time you want, sweetie! You want to boil a pot of water in 90 seconds? Do it, honey. DO IT!
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Well, skimming through this post, I realize I sound a bit salty. Ouch. Grumpy today it seems. Sorry about that...but then, who am I apologizing to? Nobody reads (and comments on) this crap anyway!